Carnival Time

24 Feb

I didn’t sleep much last night. I haven’t been posted in a long time because a lot of things have been happening, all too fast for me to digest and share. Last night/today is as low as I have ever felt. The person I love the most doesn’t think I support her, I don’t have her back, that I am holding her back and “trapping” her, that I punish her. I’ve never failed so badly or been so low.

I slept like an hour and came to work. It is apparent no one here likes me either. I tell everyone not to knock on my “office” door, to just come in, and it only makes them more timid somehow. Everyone says “sorry to bother you” like I am doing nuclear physics, not ordering pants.

No one who has to extend an extended period of time with me likes me. And the one person who I thought at least understood where I was coming from hates me the most of all.

MY WIFE HATES ME MOST OF ALL.

Happy Mardi Gras.

 

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You can’t go back

14 Feb

What does it mean when the worst thing that ever happened to someone- the thing that makes them inconsolably sad- was the 2016 election result, but the worst thing that ever happened to you- makes you inconsolably sad- is that person leaving you? And what does it mean when she tells you it’s not the end of the world that she’s leaving but said it was the end of the world when President Agent Orange got the keys to 1600 Penn Ave?

Anyway, I made an ass out of myself feeling sorry for myself last night. I walked to the store and bought a liter of Glenlivet. I proceeded to drink 90% of said bottle straight out the bottle, in a plastic bag, as I walked around the neighborhood talking to my friend about life’s tortuous path. Soon it was pretty much stumbling around the neighborhood if we are being honest. People in Slidell must really mind their own business because I don’t remember a single light coming on or person having a garage party (every other house in my neighborhood has a garage party nightly) noticing me. I was loud as hell on the phone. Also, I stole my wife’s cigarettes and smoked like 6. This is basically how single me reacted to bad news: smoking and drinking. It was glorious for an hour or 2, and booze really does go down smoothly when you’re super sad. And I guess I didn’t really make an ass out of myself if no one noticed. Trees falling in empty forests and whatnot.

Unfortunately, I quit smoking a few years ago and I am not cut out to down a liter of booze in a night anymore. So when I finally got back home, I realized WOW I AM SUPER FUCKED UP AND I HAVE TO GET UP IN 6 HOURS AND GET MY KID ON THE BUS AND GO TO WORK. So I had to induce a reversal. I reversed until I could bear to lay down, then went to sleep on my living room floor. Right after I sent a drunk text to my boss apologizing for missing work, just in case. Good times!

I did get up once during the night and puke again, but man I made it- kid, work, all of it. People were depending on me and I answered the bell. Because I have to and that makes me want to.

PS if you want the cashier at Target to leave you alone about applying for a Target credit card, just look as sad, tired, hungover, shaky, angry, and hotile as possible. He’ll just bag your shit, take your money, and let you go.

Angry post #1

12 Feb

It’s “#1” because im always angry. Even before. Just now I almost smashed my phone on the wall-thank goodness for lifeproof cases.

I’m sitting here thinking I reap what I sew, but I didn’t put this shit out there. I’m so mad right now even GBBO can’t hold my attention. I can come across as monolithic and I’m sitting here thinking I am a shitty communicator and it drove my wife away. That’s what she told me after all. But I can ask her what’s going on, how are you, etc and get NOTHING but 5 minutes later there’s a tweet about how her life is falling apart. Twitter white Knight says “feel better” and now the story is she has to get emotional support from other people when I should be giving it.

Fuck that.

The end.

Last day/First day

11 Feb

Last night, as I sat in a room full of my recently dead dad’s clothes, I started thinking about how I got there. I made more than a few decisions in my life so that I wouldn’t have to go through some of the shit he went through. Yet there I was (here I am) with no money, a bunch of debt, and a marriage that’s on the brink at best. I see his life and my life overlapping in ways I never wanted and I don’t know what to do or not to do.

I’ll probably put something here every now and then to vent because I don’t know who else to talk to about it now that he’s gone. Don’t worry I’m not going to do anything drastic. Hopefully I’ll turn it around. If my Cubs can come back from down 3-1 to overcome 100+ years of losing, maybe I can rally the the last couple generations of my family.

Hello world!

30 Jul

Welcome to WordPress.com! This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.

Happy blogging!